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Ten Reasons for Liberals to Vote for Bush, Really

With the Republican National Convention about to begin in New York City, the "right wing noise machine" wants to convince everyone why the Grand Old Party is really inclusive. So inclusive that racial minorities, union labor, and educators should consider themselves as covered under the big tent. Nevertheless, there does appear to be at least a few good reasons for liberals to vote for the incumbent this year:

If Al-Qaida attacks the White House, you won't feel as bad. Seriously now, if these "extremists" want nothing more than to destroy our symbols of power, do you really want John Kerry and John Edwards to have to give the ultimate sacrifice? Most liberals would mourn the loss of the building more than any dead Bush Administration staffer.

Another term means there?s still hope Bush can be the first President to be convicted of an impeachment trial. It is true that so far 100% of all American Presidents who have been impeached were Democrats. But would not?t it be great if Bush was the first President who actually lost his job out of the ordeal? Plus, it decreases the chances a future Commander in Chief will put the troops in harm's way citing "need-to-know" evidence about weapons of mass destruction.

You like that the news is dominated by important, thoughtful discussions on pressing issues. Did you really like the days when the biggest news story was how much nudity there was in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog? At least now your friends don?t call you a dork for talking about foreign policy at lunch anymore, or reading British media sources to get unbiased reporting.

You want there to be a sequel to "Fahrenheit 9-11". Admit it. You had more fun standing in line, showing your liberal pride waiting for Moore?s tirade than any time since you were in college. You sang songs, chatted with other like-minded, intelligent people, had both homeless and Kerry volunteers ask you for donations, and even got to see a movie worth watching. No more Bush means Moore might get away from his ad hominem style and go for something more like ?Roger and Me? again.

Other nations could use a regime change. Certainly, we failed to expel the Taliban or capture any important Al Qaida figures in Afghanistan. Saddam Hussein was not't exactly a "clear and present danger". Still, if the second term Bush Administration stays as trigger-happy we might actually get around to disposing of even more Cold War relics like Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe, Myanmar's Than Shwe, and Kazakhstan's, Nursultan A. Nazarbayev. No one will mistake Dubya for Woodrow Wilson, but at least the oppressed nations of the world can find comfort in the fact that their "fearless leader" could be the next to find himself sharing a cell with Slobodan Milosevic and Saddam Hussein.

You do fundraising for the National Organization of Women. Tired of expiring memberships, dwindling income, and lessened prestige? Just wait until President Bush nominates and the Senate confirms a far-right judge like Priscilla Owen for the US Supreme Court. As soon as the balance tips toward overturning Roe v. Wade watch the money come roaring in like a Texas flash flood through the Bush ranch in Crawford. After gaining national lobby prominence, everyone will want to hire you, not mention all the numerous book offers and face time requests.

You think 2020 is too long to wait for a woman President. Kerry?s victory ensures that unless he or Edwards loses an election, Hillary Clinton won't get a crack to throw down against Liddy Dole until both of them are so old they might have to yield to Chelsea and Jenna. After all, Chelsea certainly has the genes to be Commander in Chief, but Jenna, like her father might have other qualities which might be of more interest to the American electorate.

You always wanted a reason to buy a Prius. Nevermind the fact that the Bush "energy policy" is $2 a gallon gas and drilling in natural reserves in every state but Florida. Also, disregard the "Walmart" effect of increased long-distance traffic on highways and roads by trucks, clogging urban and suburban thoroughfares overwhelmed by sport utility vehicles and three-car families. Try the fact that most of the national homeland security money for your state came from the National Highway Transportation Fund. Not only do you face more congestion than ever before, but now there is no federal money to fix things. Sure, maybe this apocalyptic gridlock will convince concerned citizens to lobby hard for public transportation, or even turn in their Ford Excursions for Honda Pilots. Perhaps even America?s car companies will voluntarily raise the consumer auto fuel efficiency (CAFÉ) standards. Just in case that does not happen though, you can feel good "doing your part" by getting Toyota's milk-carton sized hybrid vehicle.

It's a secret ballot. Better than any romantic tryst, imagine standing in front of your friends and them never knowing you voted for 43. No one will ever find out, and even better, people expect you to vote. Straying with a paramour leaves unwieldy evidence, whereas we all get the same "I Voted" sticker. Plus, should anyone find out in twenty years and confront you about, you could always use the highly effective "youthful indiscretion" defense.

Nader got denied ballot access. After all, some voters are not swayed by the "strength in numbers" strategy for electoral voting. It's one thing to sabotage Howard Dean, but it's another thing to keep a non-factor off the ballot because you have so betrayed the progressive wing of your own party that any candidate who even imitates a true liberal gets completely shouted down. Should Bush narrowly beat Gore again in Florida, Terry McAuliffe is not likely to blame Howard Phillips and the Constitutional Law Party. But if Vermont goes Republican, who are they going to blame?

posted by Thomas at 6:08 PM 0 comments