The Essential Al-Qaeda Travel Planner

Pakistani President (and generalissimo) Pervez Musharraf stopped in Washington over the weekend to inform the White House of his decision on various policies. One of them was the withdrawal of Pakistani troops in the tribal areas bordering Afghanistan. The search for bin Laden, Musharraf intimated, has gone cold. Equally he refused to allow the US to see Dr. A. Q. Khan,who purportedly had visited with Al Qaeda about providing them a nuclear weapon in the past. Musharraf refused to hazard a guess as to where Osama bin Laden is now. Given that it has been three years since the disastrous assault at Tora Bora, he has certainly had time to escape. Up until now, the suggestion has been that he would hide in desolate locales away from sight. But what if bin Laden and his closest allies like Ayman Al-Zawhiri have been playing tourist. After all, bin Laden is no fan of repressive Arab regimes, and might chose a place where Muslims can worship openly, where government do not support “Zionist” policies, and where he can avoid the spotlight. Still, you aren’t likely to find the Al Qaeda travel planner bundled with your copy of the New York “Times”. Therefore, “Unpaid” struggled long and hard to come up with destinations where (besides the other allures), there is the potential for some terrorist stargazing.

The Maldives: A short flight from Dubai, the Maldives are a handsome string of atolls draped north to south off the southwestern coast of India. With excellent diving opportunities, you can hold your own submersible terror training camp. With the resorts confined to certain parts of the archipelago, the Maldives remains largely untouched and unspoiled. Yet, there is culture in the form of the National Museum and various ruins from an age gone by. Add a relatively progressive and representative republican style of government (even though the same president has reigned for two decades), and this could be all you could ask for.

Malaysia: One of Asia’s growing tourist destinations, Malaysia has everything an Al-Qaeda member could want. A government that spews anti-Zionist rhetoric…gorgeous nature….native women wearing burqas to the beach…excellent diving and aquatic activities as well as a hint of British colonialism. The jungles of Borneo make for an excellent location to practice skills such as climbing, hand-to-hand combat, and team-building. Convenient for cave-style living or houses over the water, Malaysia has been a favorite of such notables as Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Tunisia: Supposedly, the Tunisians in Al Qaeda were among bin Laden’s most trusted adherents. Tunisia is worth a visit for every type of traveler. Ruins, culture, and nature have drawn Europeans across the Mediterranean Sea for years. But why would some one like bin Laden or al-Zawahiri set up shop? While the government has been tough on Islamic extremists and is by all accounts not yet an open and free democracy, the press offerings are plentiful and personal freedoms are better than other parts of the Arab world. Also, the shapeless and foreboding Sahara Desert beckons at the southern frontier. So whether you are looking for a rugged, ascetic vacation or a more sybaritic, hedonistic escape, Tunisia ranks high in the Al Qaeda travel planner.

Bulgaria: Despite the horror that befell Muslims in places like Romania and Spain earlier in history, Bulgaria is a place where the Ottoman Empire simply withdrew from. Though become more commercialized and less authentic…Bulgaria is still a place emblematic of antediluvian Eastern Europe. From the heady mix of cosmopolitan delights and Old World culture found in the capital Sofia, to the charm of it’s Valley of the Roses, Bulgaria should be on your tourist radar anyway. But it also has enjoyable resorts on the Black Sea and great natural attractions as well as a short border with Turkey. It’s through this gap that thousands of migrants pass from Asia to Europe in search of work and opportunity. Combined with a small, but respected Islamic community native to the country means a guy like bin Laden (sans the fatigues) will fit right in. And you will hardly consider yourself an “accidental tourist”.

Belgium: With its super-secretive banking laws, Belgium is an excellent place to hide your laundered money. In addition, being inside the European Union makes it much easier to get to (and out of) than Switzerland. Add a strong cultural scene in Brussels, the otherworldly curiousness of Brugges, dynamite food, and prices lower than London or Paris, and there is much for both you and the Al Qaeda elite to like about the cozy confines of Belgium. But then there are the Ardennes, site of the infamous Battle of the Bulge. Ski buffs can indulge themselves, but if you don’t want to be found…there are several small towns which provide a great deal of seclusion.

Trinidad and Tobago: Despite plenty of gorgeous places in the Islamic world…few are as hedonistic as Port-au-Spain during Carnival. Yes, we know, the idea of sullen, burqa-wearing Islamic women sharing the streets with vivacious Catholic dames does not seem too logical. But being an internationally-wanted terrorist is stressful, and few places besides the island paradise of Trinidad are better to truly let loose. When Carnival is not going on there’s still an odd combined of outdoor activities and indoor ones. With the bustle created by oilmen moving in and out of the country, and an Arab guy wearing espadrilles and carrying a fat wallet looks right at home.

Canada: Pro-immigration Canada has everything a Muslim person could want. And it happens so frequently so that they pick up and move to the North. Seclusion is easily found in the nearly 80% of the country barely touched by humans. The glorious Canadian Rockies, the urbane delights of Toronto, and the delicious food and culture of Quebec welcome anyone with a passport. A few casinos and other gaming dins are equally likely to impress you, but stay for the truly unique Canadian sense of tolerance, gentility, and friendly patriotism. Whether it’s on the slopes of Whistler or the bracing foam and mist of Niagara Falls close your eyes and savor the majesty of the Dominion. After all, bin Laden would too.